Marker for the U.S.-Canadian border between Skagway, Alaska, and Stikine Area, British Columbia. | Supply: Philip Yabut / Getty
Welcome to 2025, y’all.
It’s a brand new 12 months.
People are out right here pretending they’re captivated with their resolutions.
And the Donald Trump clown automobile hasn’t run out of fuel. It’s nonetheless sputtering alongside, fueled by a crucible of fumes, chaos, no matter’s left of his supporters’ blind loyalty, chilly McDonald’s fries and a thriller tank of “covfefe” for good measure.
Let’s hit rewind on the most recent nonsense reel, we could?
So, right here’s the gist of Trump’s newest brainwave—and I exploit that time period loosely, as a result of this newest concept of his feels extra prefer it received caught in the identical mild breeze that retains his hair defying each gravity and good sense, moderately than any precise cognitive course of. In all his delusional grandeur, Trump steered that Canada—sure, a complete nation with its love of hockey, a common healthcare flex and suspiciously clear streets—should change into the 51st state!
Nah, he’s not making an attempt to roll up on Canada with tanks and troops to begin a navy invasion. He’s choosing a barely much less cinematic however equally ridiculous method: “financial pressure.”
Y’all know what that will imply, proper?
This self-proclaimed “grasp dealmaker” would most likely wield shady spreadsheets and the identical type of bloated swagger he used to hawk steaks, a rip-off college and a profession riddled with over 4,000 lawsuits and extra bankruptcies than a Monopoly recreation board.
Elizabeth Could, a lawmaker who leads Canada’s Inexperienced Celebration, didn’t come to play with Trump.
In his thoughts, and McMuffin in hand, Trump’s model of diplomacy appears to be threatening tariffs on syrup and hockey sticks. I suppose he thinks sovereignty is just a few minor inconvenience. Or, that each neighbor is simply ready to be annexed. By no means thoughts that Canada has its personal authorities and legal guidelines. Let’s simply erase the border and merge.
“As a result of Canada and the US, that will actually be one thing. You eliminate that artificially drawn line, and also you check out what that appears like, and it might even be significantly better for nationwide safety,” Trump stated.
Merging the U.S. and Canada can be “one thing.”
Yep, simply one thing.
No specifics. No additional particulars, simply the imprecise promise that erasing the border would one way or the other resolve all our nationwide safety issues. Pourquoi, you ask? Don’t trouble—logic clearly RSVP’d “No” to this concept.
And, in fact, he couldn’t resist complaining that America spends “lots of of billions” defending Canada, as if Canadians have been banging on the White Home door begging for our protection finances.
He stated “lots of of billions” of {dollars}. As a result of, in fact, he did. As a result of details don’t matter. As a result of he likes to make issues sound bigly. This man has a continual situation referred to as Exaggerationitis, the place each quantity magically inflates into the billions, regardless of the context. Whether or not dude is speaking about crowd sizes, commerce deficits, authorities spending, how a lot cash he’s misplaced, or the quantity of people that supposedly love him, his math ain’t by no means mathing. However what do you anticipate from a self-proclaimed “secure genius” with a calculator caught on fantasy settings?
The cracks in America’s basis are now not simply seen—they’re gaping.
Oh, and earlier than all this annexation foolishness, Trump—bless his orange coronary heart—steered that hockey legend Wayne Gretzky, The Nice One, ought to run for Prime Minister of Canada. Now, anyone who has a shred of working data of how Canada’s authorities works is aware of you don’t simply “run” for that place. However in Trump’s world, precise political expertise is non-obligatory, however movie star standing, questionable morals and felony habits are virtually job necessities.
However don’t fear, y’all. Canada wasn’t making an attempt to let this takeover nonsense slide.
Enter Elizabeth Could, a lawmaker who leads Canada’s Inexperienced Celebration. Pay attention, she didn’t come to play with Trump. She stepped as much as the mic like a fed-up instructor coping with a scholar who nonetheless thinks 2 + 2 equals “lots of of billions and billions.” Snort laughing as I sort.
Let me inform you, she delivered a response that was equal elements civics schooling, political snark, and pure Canadian shade. Elizabeth Could didn’t simply throw shade. She constructed a complete forest. She planted the bushes herself and invited everybody to sit down beneath them with a pleasant cup of tea. And I, for one, am right here for all this scrumptious, maple-syrup-drizzled dragging of a person whose grasp of worldwide relations is as flimsy as his comb-over. Her speech was a masterclass in diplomacy and easy methods to inform an unqualified egomaniac to sit down down and shut up with out even elevating your voice.
“Donald,” she stated in that sweetly condescending tone Canadians have mastered, “seize one in every of your grandkids’ schoolbooks and lookup 1776.”
And identical to that, Elizabeth Could set the tone for what was about to be probably the most politely savage lesson in parliamentary democracy Trump has ever acquired—although, let’s be sincere, the bar wasn’t precisely excessive to start with.
And I really like how she was like: “I’m not making an attempt to demean Mr. Trump.” Woman, sure, you have been. And I cherished each single second of it. The way in which she delivered that line with signature Canadian aptitude made all that condescension really feel like a heat hug over right here on the East Coast after getting practically a foot of snow. She then walked him by way of the fundamentals of Canada’s parliamentary system like she was explaining algebra to a scholar who’s been consuming glue.
Oh, however she wasn’t finished.
Could placed on some skates. She made it painfully clear that Canada isn’t some spin-off of American politics the place billionaires can simply purchase their method to the highest prefer it’s a nasty actuality present. And simply in case Trump’s notoriously fragile ego wasn’t bruised sufficient, she upped the ante with a proposal so easy it most likely left him blinking in confusion.
Canada wasn’t making an attempt to let this takeover nonsense slide.
F being the 51st state! Could trolled Trump with sovereign sass by throwing down a counteroffer.
Hey, California, Oregon, and Washington—y’all can come be part of Canada because the eleventh, twelfth and thirteenth provinces. LOL. She truly referred to as it “Cascadia.” That gave the impression of an eco-conscious insult.
She didn’t cease.
Could stated Canada will take Bernie Sanders, too. She didn’t say it outright, however you possibly can virtually hear her muttering, “Y’all ain’t doing something helpful with him anyway.” I may see Bernie sipping Tim Hortons espresso in a flannel shirt, some poofy mittens, frosted-up eyeglasses, and at last residing his greatest socialist life in peace. Vermont, New Hampshire, Maine—y’all come on up too!
She sweetened the pot with guarantees of free well being care (as a result of GoFundMe shouldn’t be your insurance coverage supplier), stricter gun legal guidelines (as a result of Canadians like their streets bullet-free), abortion rights that aren’t always up for debate (as a result of ladies’s our bodies shouldn’t be a political battleground), and an general improve from chaos to competence.
The Donald Trump clown automobile hasn’t run out of fuel.
However the pièce de résistance was when Could pulled out the stats. Trump’s beloved America has a gun fatality charge of 5.9 per 100,000 folks, whereas Canada’s is a mere 0.88. Translation: “Donald, your nation is actually capturing itself within the foot, and we’d favor to maintain our toes intact, thanks.” She didn’t even increase her voice, however the power screamed, “Say somethin,’ MAGA man.”
The mic throw was her closing line: “If it was a joke, it was by no means humorous, and it ends now.” And oh, what a line it was.
Elizabeth Could’s speech wasn’t only a well mannered roasting and basting of Trump’s personal delusions and stupidity. It was a mirror held as much as America on this crucial historic second, and the reflection was something however flattering. It is a nation that elected Donald Trump not as soon as, however twice (sure, twice—as a result of let’s not overlook the Electoral Faculty math that handed him his first time period). A rustic that by no means misses a possibility to proclaim itself the “best nation on the planet,” whereas the proof continues to scream in any other case.
American exceptionalism has at all times been a comforting fairy story, however Could’s four-minute masterclass made it clear that the remainder of the world isn’t shopping for it. She referred to as it out with out saying the phrases: our damaged healthcare system that forces dad and mom to crowdfund lifesaving remedies for his or her youngsters. The epidemic of gun violence that makes our streets and colleges really feel like struggle zones. The willful ignorance that retains science, historical past, and fundamental details up for debate. The delicate egos in management that will moderately stir up division than face laborious truths.
And in the midst of all this chaos, Could’s invitation to California, Oregon and Washington wasn’t only a intelligent little bit of trolling—it was a pointed reminder that there’s one thing higher on the market. Healthcare that doesn’t bankrupt folks for needing an ambulance. Streets the place strict gun legal guidelines result in fewer households burying their family members. A authorities that doesn’t deal with ladies’s rights like a ping-pong ball in a partisan recreation. Her speech was a pitch, not only for Canada, however for a imaginative and prescient of governance that prioritizes dignity, security, and customary sense—issues that really feel more and more scarce in America as of late.
Could’s invitation for blue states to affix one thing higher wasn’t only a dig at Trump; it was an acknowledgment that the cracks in America’s basis are now not simply seen—they’re gaping. And whereas we’re busy pretending every thing’s positive, the remainder of the world is shaking its head and questioning how the so-called “best nation on earth” ended up right here. Could stated the quiet half out loud: America isn’t distinctive. It’s a cautionary story and an empire in decline.
Elizabeth Could didn’t simply drag Trump—she gave the entire nation the side-eye. And actually? We earned it. As a result of whereas we’re over right here making an attempt to persuade ourselves we’re nonetheless “the best,” she reminded us that the remainder of the world is watching … and laughing.
Dr. Stacey Patton is an award-winning journalist and the creator of Spare the Youngsters: Why Whupping Kids Received’t Save Black America.
SEE ALSO:
Trump Proposes Renaming Gulf Of Mexico to ‘Gulf of America’ Amid Commerce, Immigration Tensions
Trump Wrongly Suggests New Orleans Attacker Was Immigrant Amid Extra Lies About The Crime Price
